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Job Opening:

Position:                    Parent

Job Description:     Long term team players needed for challenging permanent work in an often-chaotic environment.  Candidates must possess excellent communication and organizational skills and be willing to work various hours, which will include evenings and weekends and frequent 24 hour shifts on call.  Some overnight travel required, including trips to primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in faraway cities.  Travel expenses not reimbursed.  Extensive courrier duties also required.

Responsibilities:      This is for the rest of your life.  Must be willing to be hated at least temporarily, or until someone needs money to go somewhere.  Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly.  Also, must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule and be able to go from 0 to 60 mph in 3 seconds flat, in case the screams you hear are screams of your child who injured themselves.  Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges, such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets and stuck zippers.  Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and coordinate production of multiple homework projects.  Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings for clients of all ages.  Must handle assembly and testing of a half million cheap plastic toys and battery operated devices.  Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst.  Must assume complete accountability for the quality of the end product.  Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and janitorial work throughout the facility.

Possibility for Advancement and Promotion:        Virtually none.  Your job is to remain the same position for years without complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills, so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you.  There is a good chance you will be promoted to Grandparent!

Previous Experience:            None required, unfortunately.  On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting basis.

Wages & Compensation:      You pay them, offering frequent raises and bonuses.  A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because of the assumption that college will help them become financially independent.  When you die, you give them whatever is left.  The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that you actually enjoy it and wish that you could do more for them.

Benefits:        While there is no health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and no stock options are offered, this job supplies unlimited opportunities for personal growth and free kisses, hugs and "I Love You" for the rest of your life!!

 

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